Blah & beyond.

Well, the title of the mix says it all.

2011-04-15T19:19:00.000+02:00

Naksir.

2011-03-14T21:55:00.005+01:00

Comment ça se fait que je n'arrête pas de penser à toi?

Badass quote: Psychoanalysis edition.

2011-02-16T00:33:00.011+01:00

"We don't know how to renounce a thing, we only know how to replace one thing with another."

(Sigmund Freud)

Seriously, take a moment of reflection and tell me you don't agree with this nutso 'occasional' cocaine junky this time.

Schizophrenic Love: a (quite profound) conversation between psychology rookies.

2011-02-10T21:20:00.011+01:00

Int. Psychology faculty research centre.

A: Schizophrenia is difficult to define and is easily misunderstood.

B: Just like love, I guess.

A: Wow, did you just seriously compare Schizophrenia to love?

B: Think again of the symptoms of those schizophrenics.

A: What? Delusional? Disorganize thinking?

B: Not forgetting the paranoia.

A: Shit, there may be a point there.

B: Uh-huh, and a moral.

A: Never fall in love?

The verbs 'Love' and 'Grieve' are always in present tense when it's genuine.

2010-11-07T17:11:00.007+01:00

So my mom just rang me, she told me that she dreamt of my dad last night.

In her dreams, dad was about to give mom a divorce paper. My mom, clueless, asked my dad what was it all about. He answered her question with another question, "Why didn't you come?". Still clueless as hell, my mom couldn't respond, "Heh?".

.......................................................................

It's been 8 years now that she lost him. Every Friday, she has a routine of coming to her late husband's grave to bring him flowers.

These last two weeks, mom has been really charged with work so she had to miss her Friday routine.

So when mom told me that story, I asked her an almost rhetorical question, "You really did love him, didn't you?"

And she was able to respond, "Present tense."

After the whole (absurd) 'dead-husband-filing-for-a-divorce' dream of my mom's, I can't think of anything but this:

Even when you already lost someone, you still have the fear of losing them. I mean, for real, does that even make sense?

Conversation between Psychoanalysis rookies

2010-11-05T13:14:00.004+01:00

Int. Amphitheater - "Mech. of the unconscious mind" morning lecture

B: This dude always has something to say about people. What does he have to say about himself?

T: Who? Freud? Well, that he's awesome.

B: That smug son of a bitch.

Us and holding accountable

2010-10-02T21:21:00.006+02:00

Kalo orang udah pernah ada di satu point dimana ngga ada sesuatu/seseorang yang bisa disalahin, baru dia bisa ngomong kalo itu adalah masa tersulit untuk ngambil keputusan. Kampret. Itu baru namanya between a rock and a hard place.

Ergo, SEMUA manusia itu perlu sesuatu/seseorang untuk disalahin.

Tapi, manusia itu paling pinter untuk nyari sesuatu/seseorang untuk disalahin, dan mereka SELALU dapet sesuatu/seseorang untuk disalahin.

Jadi....... *balik ke paragraf pertama dan ngebaca lagi* kalo kita udah pernah ada di point dimana kita tidak menemukan sesuatu/seseorang untuk disalahin....... is that a way of saying that we're getting wiser?

Let me take you on a ride

2010-05-28T00:49:00.018+02:00

"The spinning top made a sound like a train across the valley. Fading, oh so quiet, but constant till it passed. Over the ridge into the distances, written on your ticket to remind you where to stop and when to get off..."

The Build Up - Kings of Convenience & Feast

I've always noticed that what people is going through in life has always been associated with some kind of ride, a train ride particularly. Amazingly, every time I hear a song with an association of life-train ride in the lyrics, it never ceases to awe me, and get me thinking. I know what I'm about to write is way obvious or cliché or whatever, but I just can't hold the urge to peel off the poetic association of life-train ride. So this is my attempt in Philosophy for dummies.

PLEASE VALIDATE YOUR TICKETS I once imagined not having a ticket and just get on the train without knowing the destination. At first, it seems exciting, not knowing where you're going, but then I got to thinking. I wouldn't really want to get on a train without knowing the destination beforehand. I surely wouldn't want to spend the whole ride figuring out or worrying if I were going to the right direction. This part, I could relate to goals, plans and hopes that people have. The excitement of not knowing where you're going, it doesn't last, heck it never lasts. Everyone wants to know where they are going eventually.

BUSINESS OR PLEASURE? Traveling always has its purpose. Imagine not having a purpose in life.

BAGGAGE CLAIM In a train, we see people who only carry a bag, people who pack light, people charged with baggages. Light or heavy, they always have something with them. In the dear real life, I believe our baggages are our problems and issues. When we travel, we decide how to pack our baggage. It's not the itinerary that decides how to pack, neither the travel agency, but us. Kinda hit me hard, it came to me pretty clear that problems and issues are created by ourselves. You can blame the universe all you want for all the bad things that happened to you but the universe probably had nothing to do with it in the first place. So I guess those people who don't know how to pack light are... drama queens? Passengers travel with baggages. People live with problems and issues. Heavy or light, well I guess that's for us to decide.

MOTION-SICKNESS Well, as cliché as it's imagined, what we're going through in life.. it ain't always pretty. Some time people can't take the speed the train is moving in. So there may be some vomiting or nausea in there. But then....

LOOK OUT THE WINDOW ... there's also the beautiful view to enjoy as the train moves along.

So I hope there's no more elements to add in this train ride thing, at least for now, this would do. Tell me you don't have John Mayer's song in your head when you read this... Stop This Train is such a beautiful song, eh?

My train is going a tiny wee bit too fast right now, I'm feeling a bit nauseous. For you, I hope you're having a pleasant ride and enjoying it. Cheers.

BADASS QUOTE from a motion picture #1

2010-02-05T22:10:00.008+01:00

"When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?"

Frank Costello,

The Departed., Scorcese (2006)

Cheesy life philosophy entry no.2

2010-02-01T19:13:00.006+01:00

"Antara bego sama baik, garisnya tipis banget, sob!"

Spontaneously said in Paris's Metro, in one of those convos I had with my energy drink.

Grief.

2009-12-04T21:55:00.004+01:00

"People come, people go." how many times have you heard that sentence and couldn't agree more? Now, let's just talk about how they go. It's just the suckiest feeling ever existed when people leave. Especially your loved ones.

I've lost people in my life, quite numerous in fact. And I would say that it's not just that feeling of loss you have but at the back of your head you know that one day, you're gonna see them again. No. Even your head is telling you that you will never going to see them, ever.

The thing about grief, at least for me, it comes in stages.

Stage one, is the stage where you realized that you were gonna lose this person soon. It's not even the feeling that tells you, you know that the end is near.

Stage two, is THE DAY. You're sad but the sadness is vague because you're kinda still trying to figure out what the hell is happening. Most likely, you're trying to figure out if this is REALLY happening. This is normally the moment where you asked yourself if it was just a dream, or, if you have a huge sense of humor, you would even still have the nerve to ask someone to pinch you.

Stage three. So this is what people might call it the moment of truth. Oh, it bites, it bites real hard and deep through your flesh, it hurts so much that you cry with no voice nor tears yet so hard that your veins are popping. Once you got to this stage, it would be hard to hold up the tears. The tears would just run by without you even realizing it. Which brings us to the next stage..

.. stage four. Memories and everything that you had with this person. That's the worst thing from what one of my favorite writers said. "The worst thing about it is knowing what you will be missing." He added also that it's not the things that haven't happened. It's the things that we took for granted when they were still there. Just petit example, now that my dad is not around anymore, you know what I miss the most about him? I miss him asking me to pass him something, I don't know, an ashtray or the rice when we're at the dining table. It was always me. We could have 10 people in the room, I could be meters away from him, but it was always me. And I didn't realize that until he's gone. I took it for granted.

Stage five, is how we manage to carry on, to move on with our life. I just finished reading Man and Boy by Tony Parson. In one of the dialogs, there is this line "... you don't get over it, of course. You can never get over it ... I miss him. I'm lonely. Sometimes I'm frightened. But you have to learn to let go. That's part of what it means to love someone. If you love someone you don't just see them as an extension of yourself. You don't just love them for what's in it for you. Love means knowing when to let go." So yes, this is where we try to let go..

And finally, the last stage, the stage that has no end. They may be gone for years now, you think that you have forgotten them, you would think. But to tell you the truth, what difference does a day make? 1 week, 8months, 5 years, 20 years, at the end, there will always be one specific moment where you miss them so much that you go back to stage 3. You realized that they're gone, you're sad, and you cry it out loud.

So yeah, grief. Suckiest feeling ever but with time, you'll learn to enjoy it. (Sort of.)

Besides, just keep in mind that the spirit lives, and it's the spirit that made them who they were when they were alive. Whatever religion there is, if we look closer, they all believe the same thing: the body may be gone, but the spirit stays in our hearts.

This writing is dedicated to the spirits of my late beloved ones. Thank you for being my guardian angels and keeping me warm in the winter.

Cheesy life philosophy entry no.1

2009-05-28T19:17:00.002+02:00

"Perasaan tuh sama kayak kemampuan, kalo ngga diasah ya ngga bakal berkembang"

(Based on an online conversation with one of my friends who has doubts about her boyfriend and the relationship)

60 years, 2 days ago: An incredible BOY was born.

2009-05-21T02:06:00.001+02:00

"Pass me the ashtray will you darling?"

"Where are you? Don't go anywhere, I'm picking you up in half an hour."

"Siapa ya yang minjem gunting ngga dibalikin lagi!??"

"Iya, iya, aku suka lupa kalo disini tuh sekolahnya pada S4, S5 semua lulusannya."

"Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be."

"Aku ngga suka deh sama si Phoebe. She's just too weird don't you think?"

"De, JAG is on!"

"I hope I'm wrong ya, but man, I'm scared that I'm right."

"Hidup itu ngga bisa kumaha ngke. Ngke kumaha?"

"Wakey wakey turkey!"

"Uyel-uyel ya! Hahaha"

"He is such an A-hole. Hey, you're not allowed to say that by the way."

"Take care, be good, I love you."

You are missed, you have no idea how much you are missed. Happy belated birthday.

(18 May 1949 - 17 April 2003)

My #1 Wingman: The General

2009-05-09T19:39:00.002+02:00

It was the perfect 10th day of January. The whole clan was there, a place where I was born. Everyone was excited, scared, thrilled- well, u know, overwhelmed. The first one is always something for every mankind. First date, first kiss, first love, first child, first grand child......... first nephew.

There it was, something that will change everything from then. Something, that has already even changed something since then. Everyone smiled, everyone was gratified, tears of joy was falling. A little creature, a baby, a boy, a baby general: my first wingman.

Other than being a chubby cute baby, his eyes showed so much of intelligence. As I watched him grew up, I was convinced that this little creature will be something big one day.

Then, when he was just a cute toddler, I loved it when he could only say the last syllable of my name. I loved how I could put him to bed when no one else could. I loved when he tried to disturb me while I was playing the piano. I loved to sing along with him his nursery songs. I loved to push his stroller in a mall. I loved giving him a bath.

Now, as an elementary school boy, with the annoying act, the smell of his sweat when he got home from school. I love it when he calls me for a help, I love it when he asks me tons of questions (even though I would sometimes be annoyed during my PMS period), I love how he always tell me what he has done for the day, I love it when he would say nothing when I leave and he would just hug my leg instead, I love it when he says 'I love you' back to me so fast so that I will not get it.

Later, when he becomes an adolescent and a grown man eventually, I will love it when he seeks me for a help, I will love it when he talks to me about how angry he is that his parents don't allow him to use the car, I will love it when he never says 'I love you' back to me, I will love it when he brings his girlfriend(s) to the house, I will love it when he's angry at me for not being on his side when he has a fight with his parents, I will love it when he shouts "You are not my mother!" to me, I will love it when he changes My Jamiroquai CD and calls it 'kuno' or 'old-school', I will love to be the sappy aunt and shout "That's my boy there!!" on his graduation day.

I loved, I love, and I'll love to see him grow up. Just like I love him, always have, and always will.

With him, I learned a lot of things. How to change a diaper, how to soothe a cranky baby, how to feed a baby, how to be a baby sitter, how to be a big sister, how to be an aunt, how to be a mother, how to be angry at someone for only 15 minutes and hug them right away to apologise.

This little man has a star shaped mole on his right knee. We say that he will be as bright as a star one day, oh we don't say, we know it.

He's going to be big. My little General will be a great General. I know so.

La vulnérabilité

2009-03-31T21:44:00.000+02:00

Kadang-kadang, kita, manusia itu butuh satu waktu, dimana kita nyerah dan kita biarin diri kita dibawa sama perasaan sedih yang kita punya, yang udah lama kita simpen.

As in english, there's a word "Breakdown".

Sekali aja, jangan keterusan. Feels so damn good.

"Get well soon, hang on. You're not alone"

A shout-out from a Godfather of mine.

2009-03-15T22:58:00.001+01:00

"LOOKING BACK THRU OLD PICTURES BRINGABOUT SWEET AND BAD MEMORIES. HOW WE WISH TO TURN BACK THE TIME AND UNDO THE DONTS AND DO THE MUST"

written by D. I. D.

Stay healthy and stay strong, to hell with them, we got your back. Always have, always will.

Another draft of BLAHS#2: Expectations.

2009-03-12T00:20:00.005+01:00

"High expectations lead to high disappointments. The least you expect it, the more it will come"

(One great dad in heaven)

FLASHBACK. 2 DAYS AGO.

Morning class over, still got the hangover of too much sleeping from last week's break. Went straight home, had lunch, blah, blah, blah.

Just before I decided to take a nap, something crossed my mind: Mini Chocolate Croissants.

Looking at the calendar, "Monthly cravings" I said to myself. Lied down on the sofabed ter-enak dan ter-comfy sedunia, Mini Chocolate Croissants are floating with a black backdrop when I closed my eyes. And of course, as always, I dozed off.....

and Mini Chocolate Croissants! Shite, the urge was killing me.

So, I decided to walk to my housemate's room and asked her what she was doing. She was about to go out when I walked in, I got excited and told her about my cravings for Mini Chocolate Croissants.

"Would you help me buy me a box of those mini-choc croissants at the store while you're downtown, would mean a lot to me." (seriously, without exaggeration, "Would mean a lot to me" part was in my sentence. Oh dear, PMS.)

And, being a nice housemate of mine, of course she said Yes.

Stormed back to my room and threw myself to the sofabed ter-comfy sedunia. Laying down, I remembered one thing: She TENDS to forget stuff.

40% chance she would come back with my box of those yummy mini choc croissants

60% chance I would came to her room and ask her my box of those yummy mini choc croissants and her answer will be "Yah bi! Sorry banget, gue lupa!"

Bummer.

So yes, I laid down for half and hours thinking about those damn croissants... imagining munching it.. the crisp yet soft kind of moment when you get to the chocolate filling.. until I (AGAIN!!) dozed off..

for like a minute. (which was actually 40mins)

She should be back by now, I said to my self. For a while there, I walked around my room to find something to do. Did the stupid meaningless roaming around for 20mins, I felt like I was forgetting something.

What did I forget?

DUDE! I forgot that I had cravings for Mini Chocolate Croissants.

She would've forgotten anyways, I said to myself.

So there, no expectations, nothing.

Ah, let's just check what is she been up to, again, speaking to myself.

Opened the door, she was sitting on her desk texting something on her phone. And there it was, My box of mini chocolate croissants.

From that day, it strike me of how things came out when u least expected it.

Doesn't matter what it is, croissants, risoles, your friend, your family, your hopes for the future.

It was the best 3 euros mini chocolate croissants ever.

5 days from now, M.I.S.W

2009-03-09T20:17:00.000+01:00

Thank you for the invitation, I wish you a new life filled with happiness and love.

Cheers, big brother.

Long time no see.

Love,

Your (half) blood sister.

Ce qui m'étonne, dans le livre de Ananta Toer «Bumi Manusia»

2009-03-08T22:25:00.001+01:00

"Tidak, Mama. Tidak ada orang yang tidak suka pada pujian, kata guruku. Kalau orang merasa terhina karena dipuji, katanya pula, tandanya orang itu berhati culas."

(Minke)

"Cinta itu indah, Minke, terlalu indah, yang bisa didapatkan dalam hidup manusia yang pendek ini,"

(Jean Marais)

"Cinta itu indah, Minke, juga kebinasaannya yang mungkin membuntutuinya. Orang harus berani menghadapi akibatnya,."

(Jean Marais)

"... ... ... ... Bukan aku yang menentukannya. Lagi pula tak ada cinta yang muncul mendadak, karena dia adalah anak kebudayaan, bukan batu dati langit. ... ... "

(Jean Marais)

"Kau benar, Minke. Pernah kuceritai kau, kasihan hanya perasaan orang berkemauan baik yang tidak mampu berbuat. Kasihan hanya suatu kemewahan, atau satu kelemahan. Yang terpuji memang dia yang mampu melakukan kemauan-baiknya. Aku tak punya kemampuan, Minke. Makin lama kurenungkan, kata itu sangat indah terasa di Hindia ini, tidak di Eropa."

(Jean Marais)

May Marais : "Lihat sana itu, Oom, di atas mendung mendatang itu, masa layang-layang seperti kepiting!"

Minke : "Memang tidak cocok kalau kepiting terbang di langit. Mendung semakin tebal,

May, mari pulang."

Annelies Mellema : "Mama, pernah Mama berbahagia?"

Nyai Ontosoroh : "Biar pun pendek dan sedikit setiap orang pernah, Ann."

" .. .. cerita tentang kesenangan selalu tidak menarik. Itu bukan cerita tentang manusia dan kehidupannya, tapi tentang surga, dan jelas tidak terjadi di atas bumi kita ini."

(Nyai Ontosoroh)

"Lelaki, Gus, soalnya makan, entah daun entah daging. Asal kau mengerti, Gus, semakin tinggi sekolah bukan berarti semakin menghabiskan makanan orang lain. Harus semakin mengenal batas. Kan itu tidak terlalu sulit difahami? Kalau orang tak tahu batas, Tuhan akan memaksanya tahu dengan caraNya sendiri."

(Bunda Minke)

"Pada waktu aku hamilkan kau, aku bermimpi seorang tak kukenal telah datang memberikan sebilah belati. Sejak itu aku tahu, Gus, anak dalam kandungan itu bersenjata tajam. Berhati-hati menggunakannya. Jangan sampai terkena dirimu sendiri."

(Bunda Minke)

".. .. Kau akan berhasil dalam setiap pelajaran, dan kau harus percaya akan berhasil, dan berhasillah kau; anggap semua pelajaran mudah, dan semua akan jadi mudah; jangan takut pada pelajaran apa pun, karena ketakutan itu sendiri kebodohan awal yang akan membodohkan semua."

Tuan Télinga : "Perang selamanya adu kekuatan dan muslihat untuk keluar sebagain pemenang,"

Jean Marais : "Tidak, Tuan Télinga, tak pernah ada perang untuk perang. Ada banyak bangsa yang berperang bukan hendak keluar sebagai pemenang. Mereka turun ke medan-perang dan berguguran berkeping-keping seperti bangsa Aceh sekarang ini... ada sesuatu yang dibela, sesuatu yang lebih berharga dari pada hanya mati, hidup, atau kalah-menang."

"...ingat, kesan pertama, betapapun penting, belum tentu benar."

(Juffrow Magda Peters)

"Nanti kita akan sampai juga. Barangkali sudah sejak Hawa kecantikan mengampuni kekurangan dan cacat seseorang. Kecantikan mengangkat wanita di atas sesamanya, lebih tinggi, lebih mulia. Tetapi kecantikan, bahkan hidup sendiri menjadi sia-sia bila dikuasai ketakutan. Kalau Tuan belum mengerti juga, inilah soalnya: dia harus dibebaskan dari ketakutan, semua ketakutan itu."

(Dokter Martinet)

"Kan sudah tak terlalu panas? LIhat, Tuan Minke, dalam kehidupan ilmu tak ada kata malu. Orang tidak malu karena salah atau keliru. Kekeliruan dan kesalahn justru akan memperkuat kebenaran, jadi juga membantu penyelidikan."

(Dokter Martinet)

"Dalam ilmu, malu tidak punya harga, biarpun hanya sepersepuluh dari sepersepuluh sen. ... "

(Dokter Martinet)

"Dapat dimengerti. Hanya orang pandir mengaggumi diri sendiri. ..."

(Jean Marais)

"... Mantap-tidaknya kedewasaan dan nilai tergantung pada besar-kecilnya dan banyak-sedikitnya ujian, cobaan--si kriminal dan si gila itu--tidak pernah dewasa."

(Dokter Martinet)

"Aku bukan gila. Juga bukan kriminil. Dan tak bakal!"

"...... dimana panas matahari ditanggung semua orang tapi panas hati ditanggung seorang diri."

"Rebut bunga kecantikan, karena mereka disediakan untuk dia yang jantan. Juga jangan jadi kriminil dalam percintaan--yang menaklukan wanita dengan gemerincing ringgit, kilau harta dan pangkat."

(Bunda Minke)

"Aduh, Gus, mengapa kau menggubah bahasa yang bunda tak mengerti? Tulislah, Gus, kisah percintaannmu, dalam tembang nenek-moyangmu, pangkur, kinanti, durma, gambuh, megatruh, biar Bunda dan seluruh negeri menyanyikannya."

(Bunda Minke)

Bunda Minke : "Gus, baik benar peruntunganmu, dapatkan istri secantik itu. Di jaman leluhurmu, perempuan seindah itu bisa terbitkan perang Bharatayuddha."

Minke : "Apa Bunda kira sahaya tidak berperang untuk bisa mendapatkannya?"

"Uh, Darsam, seribu orang seperti kau, dengan dua ribu parang sekaligus, takkan mampu menolong kami. Bukan soal daging dan baja, Darsam. Ini soal hak, hukum, dan keadilan--tak dapat kau lindungi dengan silat dan parangmu. Tiba tiba datang bantahan: kau harus adil sudah sejak dalam pikiran, Nyo! Jangankan Darsam yang berparang dan pendekar, batu-batu bisu pun bisa membantumu-- kalau kau mengenal mereka. Jangan sepelekan kemampuan satu orang, apalagi dua!"

"Ya, tidurlah, Tuanmuda. Hari baru, kemungkinan baru."

(Darsam)

"....... apakah guna sekolah-sekolah didirikan kalau toh tak dapat mengajarkan mana hak mana tidak, mana benar dan mana tidak?"

"Apa masih perlu orang yang akan kehilangan segalanya bersikap sopan menghadapi kehilangannya? Katakan saja apa yang hendak Tuan maui."

(Nyai Ontosoroh)

"Kalau di Nederland sana ada segalanya, untuk apa orang Eropa datang kemari?"

(Nyai Ontosoroh)

Drafts of my life: Blah Blah Blah part 1

2009-02-25T11:30:00.002+01:00

"Barang mati sih bisa dibeli, orang duit mah bisa dicari. Tapi kalo perasaan, gimana cara belinya?"

(A spectacular Sundanese single mother of 3 daughters)

Second day of the week, sangat relaxing. Man, ini nih, yang selalu bikin worried dan wondering kalau hidup kita terlalu gampang dan enak. Bowling, afternoon tea/coffee dengan permainan bodoh with two good friends in one fine coffee shop, lalu birthday dinner of keju Mont d'Or dan hot potatoes. Life's good. Salah, Life's good? Yes, itu dipertanyakan selama beberapa jam sepulang dari my friend's birthday dinner. Sampai akhirnya gue menjatuhkan kepala gue di bantal dan sofa-bed tercomfy sedunia...... and I dozed off..

.........dan terbangun. I was wondering mengapa jantung gue berdetak so darn fast dari sebelum gue tertidur. Dikarenakan pertanyaan itu kah? Life's good? Teteup lho. Masih ditanya. Mencoba kembali tidur tetapi hati dan pikiran kayaknya terlalu occupied untuk undur diri dan membiarkan gue istirahat. Tidur malam lebih tepatnya. Pasti bapak gue cuman bisa nyengir sambil nyeletuk, "Dasar insom". Setelah beberapa menit mencoba tidur kembali dan gagal, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk mengeluarkan kalimat super cliché untuk sobat gue yang tidur di sebelah gue, "Udah tidur jek?"

Obviously, the answer was a NO.

Siaran berlangsung. Bahasan kali ini dilakukan seperti kue bantet with a pretty and good frosting. Something thats so hard, and quite hurtful to say; but we wrapped it with laughs and jokes. Seperti anak muda Jakarta yang kebanyakan negak tequila shots, kekhawatiran dan kesedihan yang mendalam tiba2 dimuntahin. Kita diuji untuk percaya satu sama lain dan untuk bisa dipercaya di waktu yang sama. Bayangin dua orang yang sebenarnya berbeda, tetapi tetap menganggap kalau salah satu dari kita itu bayangan dari cermin. Ngga jelas ya? Dengan segala perbedaan yang dua orang ini punya, mereka saling melengkapi. Ih gila, yang menciptakan friendship emang jenius.. A story leads to another story, mulut kita tuh emang terlalu aktif (kalo ngga ngomong, ya makan.) Tantangannya cukup oke: keeping one's trust. Ya efektif lah ada tantangan giving one's trust juga. A quite jaw dropping story terjadi, di dalam pause yang selalu ada di tiap revealing story, jantung gue ternyata tetap masih berdetak super kencang (sorry if I sounded like Ahmad Dhani, didn't mean to). In that small pause of silence, dateng lagi dia.. pertanyaan yang -percaya ngga percaya- memacu adrenalin.. "Life's good?"

Life's good? ... Life's good?

Mata yang udah setengah watt melirik ke jam, "Jam 6 pagi pemirsa.." ..and I dozed off..

....

Tau perasaan dimana kita baru enak tidur terus tiba2 alarm sudah bunyi? Yes. 8.15am. Shower, coffee, class at 9.30am.

"Life's good?" Hm, kalo iya pun, itu bukan karena hal2 asyik di dalamnya seperti a day of bowling dan chit-chatting. Atau traveling through Europe. Atau melihat menara Eiffel. Itu semua cuman buah ceri dan whipped cream diatas ice cream sundae kita.

Dalam hanya beberapa jam malam itu, gue mendapatkan hal yang fiktif untuk didapatkan di sekolah. Perasaan lega karena sudah meluapkan isi hati, perasaan dihargai sebagai teman, perasaan dipercaya dan mencoba mempercayai. Pikiran yang lebih terbuka (from any aspect dan untuk segala hal juga). Perasaan mensyukuri atas apa yang kita punya. Perasaan yang membuat kita bisa bilang "Gue sayang jek ama keluarga gue" atau "Iya ni, makanya gue sayang ama elo jek". Even perasaan yang unexpectedly membuat realise banyak hal2 yang juga unexpected, agama.. kepercayaan.. (dan perasaan ngga puguh dan ngantuk di dalam kelas dikemudian harinya..)

bisa dibeli pake uang?

Yang dibalik layar emang Juara. Emang Jenius. Hm, I wonder.. asmaul husna yang mana ya untuk Juara dan Jenius?

Converse shoes on, favorite coat on, and oh, sunglasses, all checked. Bono menyanyi dengan mantaF di lagu Beautiful Thing-nya in my iPod. Hm, another sunny winter morning.

Life IS good.

Today, the snow of february is trying to show something

2009-02-12T20:25:00.002+01:00

ALARM CLOCK, 6.40am.

You know how it feels when you're just too damn worried about your future?

When you're too busy wondering and worrying if you're going to get accepted in the university of your choice?

When you have -so damn- little amount of money in your bank account, and you can't ask your parents to transfer you more?

Trying to find a part-time job but it's too damn hard?

When you feel like you know someone after spending a lot of time with that certain someone, but you don't, and it breaks your heart?

When you're so damn tired but you have to face the fact that your day starts from 8am 'till 4.30pm the next day?

When you're feeling insecure and unconfident all the time, and that you have so many questions in your head but don't seem to find the answers?

Imagine, PMS-ing?

Trying to find comfort in a bottle of wine?

Right now, imagine that those questions are asked by bunch of adolescents who live far away from home. Seriously, far away.

The snow fell, heavily. This small charming town was covered with snow. Houses on the hills, trees, this amazing citadel were beautifully covered with this frozen water vapor.

Today should be different. (or not?)

Today, the snow taught me something. Friendship, family, loyalty, honesty.

Last night, I was on the phone with Mother. She said, "We don't have to be with someone for years to know them. Try 3 days, but keep them close. Be with them for 72 hours. Because that is when the real characters start to surface."

I had 10 months with them, 5 with one.

Until today: differences, arguments, problems, bad weather.. this whole thing keep us together.

But today, I found this special. Door slamming, shouts, hard frowned eye brows, swear words, stress smoking, tears that were too prideful to fall. It was so damn special with this white blanket of snow.

Intense in the cold, it was 0 degree. Yet, we felt warm inside.

For once, the clash made us feel at home.

Yes, we've cleared the air.

Oh by the way, those questions in beginning are not yet answered. Still hanging. But hey, when you feel warm at heart while enjoying Sambel Goreng Ati, what more do you want?

7 years being an Aunt, and still counting.

2009-02-05T14:38:00.000+01:00

If it wasn't for them,

I wouldn't be Super.

I don't care what people think about me, I only care what they think about me.

Dude, in their eyes, I'm a rockstar.

Pembahasan sok berat #1: Cinta.

2009-02-04T12:28:00.001+01:00

Haha, my life is a total research.

Jadi orang yang kalo kata orang sunda 'hayang nyaho wae' alias mau tau aja, emang agak sedikit bikin kesel diri sendiri. Udah gitu apa pun yang terjadi di sekeliling gue, dengan sok tahunya gue bakal pikirin sambil mencoba mencapai conclusion. Tapi, tetep, conclusion yang gue buat selalu berdasarkan fakta yang terjadi. Kalo ngga jelas2 amat mah, bakal dipikirin dan digali lagi. Psikiater yang dapet degree dari John Hopkins juga susah kali mau bikin kesimpulan tentang masalah pasiennya kalo pasiennya ceritanya setengah2. (Excuse me, I know it sounds weird, but the language that I use is kinda based on my mood. After all im Indonesian, I don't wanna be all english minded and not able to express something in my own language dude. haha)

Okay, lanjut.

Sebenernya si Cinta ini sih prioritas nomer 4 lah bisa dibilang. Tapi mengetahui kalau bahasan soal cinta selalu menarik pandangan masyarakat, makanya gue memutuskan untuk membuat this first entry (well, second, considering the intro thingy) tentang cinta.

Selama 18 tahun ini, banyak banget cerita yang semuanya balik lagi ke soal cinta. Being a teenager, mari kita membahas tentang those dreamy love of rom-com movie terlebih dahulu. Disekitar kita, mulai dari temen sampai sepupu kita yang punya pacar, pasti kita pernah denger sendiri salah satu dari 'ritual' orang yang lagi jatuh cinta: Sakit hati (bisa jadi karena diselingkuhin, atau disakitin secara mental alias kata2 sang pacar, atau mungkin disakiti fisik), pokoknya sakit hati sampe nangis sampe benci. Tapi, the next thing we know, sang korban yang disakiti hatinya sudah kembali lagi ke pasangannya (of course, sang pasangan berusaha minta maaf dan mencoba mengambil hatinya kembali). Sang tersakti pun memaafkannya, ibaratnya water under the bridge deh. Tell me I'm wrong, tapi gue yakin bakal ada satu kalimat yang keluar dari mulut mereka "Yah, namanya juga cinta..". Kadang2 itu bikin kita mikir, kalau si tersakiti ngga punya rasa cinta ini, mungkin ngga dia bakal maafin dan mau balik lagi sama pasangannya? Padahal manusia dikasih sama Tuhan yang namanya logika dan akal sehat. Jelas banget kan kalau kasus diatas ngga ada logisnya sama sekali.

Selanjutnya, karena cinta itu luas, cinta itu bukan hanya untuk kasus romantis. Satu case yang paling evident adalah cinta Ibu.

Semua yang baca ini pasti bakal setuju banget soal pertanyaan yang bakal keluar: Sebrengsek2nya kita, sekurang2 ajarnya kita sama ibu kita, pasti ibu kita bakal maafin kita. Dan kalau dia udah maafin kita, she treats us as if kita tuh ngga pernah buat dosa ama dia. Cinta yang dikasih sama seorang ibu ke anaknya ngga pernah berubah. Ibu ngga bakal perduli sekurang ajar apa anaknya, sebodoh apa anaknya. (yes, pasti, dimarahin, dinasehatin, ya namanya juga orang tua atuh.) Sesakit hati apapun, Ibu pasti bakal maafin kita at the end dan put everything behind. Sekali lagi, Ibu juga manusia, manusia itu diciptain sama Tuhan dengan logika dan akal sehat. Logis ga sih, manusia (in this case, a mother) disakitin hatinya berulang2 kali sama anaknya, tapi tetep terus kasih perhatian yang luar biasa ke kita?

It doesn't take a genius untuk bikin kesimpulan dari kasus2 sehari2 yang diatas.

Jadinya, apa itu cinta? Waduh, kurang tahu deh ya, tapi satu hal yang jelas sih yang namanya cinta itu ngga bisa pake logika. (As cliché as it may sounds, this is the freaking fact haha) Tidak dilakukan dengan logis, tidak bisa dipikirkan dengan logis dan jangan2 memang tidak akan pernah menjadi logis? Hmm. Logika sama cinta tuh ibaratnya kita makan spaghetti carbonara pake kecap, alias ngga nyambung. Maybe, but maybe not? haha, after all pertanyaan yang ngegantung itu what life is all about. Mungkin itu gunanya manusia diciptakan menjadi sotoy, buat cari jawaban, hence the meaning of life.

Sebagai seorang rookie di departemen percintaan, baru satu hal yang gue dapet dari subjek yang paling common ini. Soal cinta, pasti masih banyak lagi arti2 sebenernya, tapi sampai tahun 2009 ini baru itu yang gue dapet, well this is a "18years and still counting" blog. Semuanya disini masih pake proses dan berlanjut, jadi the final conclusion is still far ahead my friend. Anggep aja nonton film horror thriller hollywood dengan ending yang nge gantung dan kita tahu kalo bakal ada sekuelnya.. tapi kita ngga tahu bakal ada budget buat bikin sekuelnya atau ngga.

Cheers.

NB. Speaking of love dan how much we know about love, I found a super simple french poem. It's anonymous but it's surely interesting.

J'ai seize ans, je ne sais rien.

Il ya quelquechose dans mon ventre, que c'est? Je n'en sais rien.

Ca me tourne la tête

C'est bête.

Horriblement beau, et puis ça brille.

Ah non arrete, c'est aveuglant.

J'ai soixante dix ans, et je ne sais encore rien.

L'amour, que c'est? Je n'en sais vraiment rien.

Translation: I'm sixteen I know nothing. There's something

in my stomach, what is it?

I know nothing.

It turns my head, its bad.

Horribly pretty and then it sparkles.

Oh no stop, now that's blinding me.

I'm seventy years old, I still know nothing.

Love, what is it? I really know nothing.

Man, you can be seventy but still have no idea what the hell love is.

In french, we say L'Introduction

2009-02-04T11:42:00.000+01:00

February 4th, might be a good day to start a blog, might be not.

Anyways, the whole concept is basically to keep me busy for this time being. I'm usually very traditional, I don't really write blog (type), I keep my journal updated most of the time.

But as we live in the 21st century, and apparently society has become more interested in writing their personal stuff in public (Internet), I have to admit that it's quite tempting to acknowledge the fact the we are writing something that will be read by people all over the world (again, might be not. but who cares?)

You know, it's like writing a book without having an editor, nor a publisher. No questions like, "Any profit?" or "Is it best-seller" or "Does anyone bother to read it?"

Haha. But don't worry, I'm not going to write the whole shit about what I've done for the day, or whom I've met. It's so not that kind of blog. I'm just pouring something off my head. Thoughts and opinions. Or maybe recommendations about music, film, art, you know cultural stuff.

It's always nice to start something new. It may not be the greatest blog, but hey, just a heads up, I'm not Pramoedya Ananta Toer, not even related in any ways.

Cheers.